Adam Has a Podcast Episode 28; THE END...for now

*intro* The difference between a season finale and a series finale always confused me while technically a series finale and a season finale can be interchangeable because obviously the series finale is the end of the season while also being the end of the series but a season finale is only just the end of the season. That one particular season. And sometimes the production companies end up using the wrong term anyways, too. So that always confused me. They'll think that the show is going to be canceled, but suddenly ratings tick up or somebody changes their mind. But they've already released some promotional material where they say series finale in it. And that confused me as a little kid because I'd be like, why are they calling it a series finale? Now it's a season finale. Which one is it? Series? Season, season series? This one is a season finale. We're not done, but we're taking a little break. I think it's very important for everyone to take a little break every now and then. Just to let your brain process everything that's gone on and to let your body catch up on repairing itself every three months takea week. I think that's pretty fair because that at the end of the year only adds up to like a month off. And I think that's the bare minimum of what you should have as paid time off. But hey, I'm apparently a communist.. I don't know. Is that communism? I think that's actually socialism. Most people don't know that America is a mix of everything. They think it's one thing, but it's a lot of things. All right, enough of that financial structure shit. Um. So, yeah, this is going to be a season finale. I've been wanting to take a break for. The only reason I did all of this was for me, actually. I've been trying to do podcasts for years, and I always had a co-host doing with me. And I would always let that stop me if I didn't have somebody to record with, I'd be like, fuck it, I can't do a podcast now. I guess we'll just wait and I it just won't release one for a while. I was so sick and tired of that. I was just like, you know what? Fuck it. Nobody wants to shoot a podcast with me. Fuck it. I can do it myself. I'm entertaining enough. I believe in myself enough that I don't need a co-host. Fuck it. I'm just going to do it. So I needed to prove to myself that I could be consistent and capable of achieving goals that I have set myself. But I wanted to take a break, like, three months ago. And I drew this arbitrary line in the sand that I was like, it's three more months. I could just make it to my birthday. And that would make me happy for some reason. And yeah, yeah, I feel proud of myself. I was able to keep going even after I wanted to quit, and it's only arbitrary, but it started stressing me out. I noticed that in the beginning, Sundays were very easy. All I had to do was schedule the podcast upload and write a description and then post it. That was it. But then as the weeks moved on, I would, the more and more I would have to do. I would have to record it and then edit it and then I would have to schedule it to post it, but then I'd have to write a description. But then I'd have to take that description and transfer it over to my website and then I'd have to take a copy of the thumbnail and put down on my website. and then I would need to customize the thumbnail for that particular episode and add that to a slideshow so that all of my episodes are on one slideshow. And then it just kept adding up and adding up and adding up. And there was all these different little steps I had to do and eventually, Sunday became like the most stressful fucking day of the week. I found myself dreading Sundays. And that wasn't the point of all of this. I wasn't supposed to make myself hate something. So if you'll notice a couple weeks ago, I just said, fuck it. Sundays is also a very arbitrary thing. I just picked Sunday because I believed Sunday was the best day because everybody usually has Sunday off. And if I release it on Sunday, then maybe people who like podcasts will have it for the rest of the week and they can fit it into their normal podcasting schedule because it'll just be available every Sunday. Yeah, that that was a great idea, but in retrospect, I shouldn't have, uh, stuck to it so strictly because just a few weeks ago, I was like, you know what? This is really arbitrary. Why am I choosing Sunday every single week? I know I did it to prove that I could be consistent, but now I've proved that I could be consistent. I also need to prove to myself that I can make decisions for myself whenever the fuck I want. How are the fuck I want. So a couple weeks ago, I just said, fuck it. Fuck Sunday. And I gave myself an extra couple of days to work on it, and I felt so much better. I felt so much relieved, so relaxed. I was like, wow, this actually did something. And when I looked at the analytics for a Tuesday upload, I realized that I had gotten more listens than I had gotten in the last six Sundays combined. So I realized, oh, my God, I might have been holding myself back this entire time because of my own inability to be flexible and my own stringness kept me from experimenting with which days were better to upload on because I thought I had already figured it all out, and I thought I was just behind the eight ball. I was like,, it's just so difficult getting listens because I didn't even think about changing the day of the week. I cared so much about consistency that I didn't even care to look at whether or not the frequency was helping me or hindering me in any way. And it was hindering me. I have verifiable proof that it was hindering me by consistently posting on Sundayss. Because the few times that I didn't post on Sundays, my analytics show that I got more views on those days than I did on Sunday. And then the next Sunday rolled around and I found myself being really stressed, but I was also had it in the back of my mind that I was like, fuck it, this Sunday, it's not going to happen either. It's going to be a Tuesday thing now. But I was still stressed on Sunday. And then Tuesday came, and I was stressed for Tuesday, too. And I was like, oh, shit, okay, so I see what's happening. This in and of itself to post a podcast to do the actual work has an amount of stress stress that comes with it. And it is a handleable amount of stress. But I've been doing it for so long at this point that it's become. comagulate. It's become a big, messy ball. And I can't really iron everything out and straighten it all out. Like in the beginning, even though I I skipped, like six months, I was still able to bring my mind back to the first two episodes when I was recording more episodes. But now I've gotten to the point where the beginning is a little foggy for me and the middle-ish is a little foggy for me. So I kind of need to take a break and go back and like listen to everything. And I know that I said in the beginning that like, um I was going to keep everything and watch me grow as a character, but then I I'm also considering now like, oh man, I might want to delete some shit. So I need to take a minute to just kind of go over everything and be like, is this this how I want to represent myself is what I want to keep moving forward. And the way that I find out what I want to keep moving forward is by looking back. So I'm going to take some time. I'm going to look back, and I'm going to see, okay, what did I do that I liked? What did I do that I didn't like? And I'm also going to try and just remove the stress variable as a whole. Because I'm noticing that the stress is preventing me from seeing opportunities and solutions that are right there in front of me. I'm so stressed out about, I got to just get this done. I got to just do this.. I got to just go, go, go, that I'm just go, go, going right past the doors that I need to go through in order to do what I need to do. So I need to slow down and start looking at the labels on all these office doors that I'm running by. I don't need to just take a beat. I just need to do my breathing tech techniques and I need to chill out and I need to look at where I've been and where I'm going and if I like the destination. And I also need to stop saying I need so much, because that's also stressing me out. Need and want. are a little bit of a stressful thing is because it implies that you don't have something already. And we're trying to work from an abundance mindset here, people. So the words like need and want automatically put you at a disadvantage rather than do and am you know, philosophically speaking. I took philosophy in college and this dude was like my mirror. He always showed up to class late. He had like a very, very, very chill attitude that I, you know, wish to attain one day. Very cool dude. But I was just thinking about it the other day that I was like, oh my God, I was so in the moment in that class and I was so stressed out about this class and that class and the other class that I never asked this dude what was his personal philosophy? He's showing up to class late. He's not really giving a fuck about anything. We have like two homework assignedments the entire semester. Dude, what is your personal philosophy? The most obvious question? I didn't ask. And that's where I am now. The most obvious solutions I'm not seeing them, because I'm so stressed and, like, aggy and my brain is so clouded and there's so many thoughts and things going on, and I haven't really taken any time to separate it all out and to, you know, sit with myself so I could get right with myself. So that's I'm going to take some time. I'm going to take a little break. That's my birthday gift to myself, is that I'm finally fucking done to make a podcast every week. I' proved to myself that I could work on a consistent weekly basis and I could turn out a product. I'm not saying it was a good product or a bad product. I'm just saying I could turn out a product once a week. and I did that, and I'm proud of myself for doing that. And I only originally wanted to do it for like six months, and now I'm up to like, nine months and I'm like, hey, man, when I wanted to quit, I kept going, and I actually came up with some of the best stuff of the entire season in those last three months. I don't know if it was some of the best stuff. I need to, that's what I need to do. I need to go back. And look, there I am saying I need to again. I am going to go back and I'm going to look, and I'm going to see what was good, what was bad, what still makes me laugh. And I'm going to enjoy myself and maybe in the process of me enjoying myself, I'll be like, you know what, this is a good little clip. I'll clip that out and I'll make a little animation or whatever for it and then I'll put it up on YouTube shorts and then 500 million people who have a social media addiction will see it, whether they're doom scrolling through the shorts and then they'll see that and they'll be like, you know, I'm going to click on this shit and then they'll click on that shit. And that was all birhed out of me being like, you know what? I'm going to go back and see what sparks joy. And right now, um I artificially created, like a pressure. And now, when that pressure is gone,, I'm gonna feel relieved. So I'm actually like super excited for this. I I'm like, hey, this is gonna be awesome. This pressure relief, you know, this is the time when they're artificially making diamonds and they put all that pressure on for months and months and months. This is the time where I get to unpressurize that diamond and see what kind of product I got out of it. And I've been putting the pressure on inside of my own brain for so long just to turn these out week after week to get this done, but I'm actually a little bit excited to see what my brain does when I lift those chains off of it, when my subconscious is unfettered by having to stick to a weekly upload schedule What does it come up with? I'm actually really curious to see what I come up with out of dislike brain workout that I've been putting myself through for the last like nine months now. after, you know, what kind of baby's going to be born out of this mind pregnancy That's really what I'm curious about here. Did I change myself in any way? Am I still the same? I know that right now, I'm like so close to the end in some way, like subconsciously that I I'm just very tired. I'm like, I'm so there. I'm like limping along to the finish line. I'm like, almost there. I'm just so tired that my brain is like, dude, just go to bed. I'm just, I'm just blank. I'm I'm totally blank.. But I' I'm also noticing that other things are coming along to fill up the void of what was stressing me out. So I also have to be careful in these next coming few months where I'm taking a break to not just fill up the stress void with another thing to actually consciously be like, dude, I'm relieved of pressure. I am relieved of duty for the next. I'm thinking three months, but I don't want to say shit. It might be a year. It might be fucking six years. I come back when I feel like it. I do this thing every now and then where I like to just fucking go away. And then I come back when I feel like it. And that's just me getting in tune with myself, sitting with myself until I have that gut feeling back that I'm like, you know what? Let's start listening to my instincts again, and we'll start doing this and that and the other thing. But sometimes your instincts, we live in a world where they can use your instincts against you. So, you got to be a very smart monkey in today's society. And this smart monkey likes his solitude. This smart monkey likes to go up the mountain by himself and fuck off from the troop because they're all, you know, shit throwing shit at each other and screaming and fighting, doing monkey things. And this monkey doesn't like doing monkey things all the time. This monkey wants to do other things that aren't monkey things. Thinking about it as a monkey is like like, I don't know, it's lightning it, but it's also giving it like more weight for me for some reason. Like, it's it's funny, but also, it's like making the analogy more serious because we're very, like monkeys, we pretty much are basically monkeys. So when you see a monkey doing an unusual behavior, like separating itself from the truth, somebody who's a monkey's studier, a monkeyologist, will be like, well, what's up with that monkey? What's going on with that monkey? They might take an interest in the monkey that separates itself to figure out what its patterns and habits are. and maybe that monkey's sick, and then maybe they helped the monkey, or maybe the monkey's perfectly fine. Maybe they realize that every now and then, as soon as these monkeys hit a certain age, they just wander around into the woods by themselves. And maybe that's kind of showing that, you know, the monkeys's frontal lobe is starting to develop or some shit. Maybe that's it. This is, I'm going to be 25 this year. Maybe my frontal lobe is developing. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck am I doing? So it's going to be nice to also look back at some of this stuff with the frontal lobe now and be like, yeah, that was not frontal lobe activity. Or like, wow, that was totally frontal lobe. Development activity right there, that was such a high thought for me. That's funny, because a high thought could be a high thought or it could be a high thought. You know what I'm saying? A high thought could be THCfueled or a high thought could just be like higher thinking you're thinking on a higher playing field. I always thought that was funny. I don't think that weed really brings my brain into a higher playing field. I think my brain brain's already there and we fucking knocks it out of the higher thinking field so I can like relax and shit like that. And then it always finds its way back to thinking about shit on a grand scale for some reason. And I'm like, dude, I am just one little cog in the machine. And that's why I like the monkey analogy, because we usually think of monkeys as these very simple creatures. But we, in turn, are actually also the very simple creatures. We ourselves are very simple, just like the monkey. That's why I like, I think we oftentimes think of ourselves as very complex and confusing individuals and, you know, what is a human. It's a very confusing thing. But. We're just monkeys. We're just simple as that. You're a monkey. Sorry. Sometimes a monkey they freak outc your monkey they don't think well, monkey. Look at the monkey. Why is he talking like that? 'Cause he's a fucking monkey. And he's stupid like monkeys are. And we do stupid monkey things. You feel less like, oh, okay, all right. Yeah. I'm, you know, fighting an uphill battle here. I'm trying to make water flow uphill by pretending to be a smart monkey. Some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate uphill, pretending to be a smarter monkey than they is. And when the truth is, we all just dumb monkeys. They need to accept that. This dumb monkey, you know, is like, oh my God, are they gonna hear that siren in the background? And the smarter monkey in me is like, you should stop until that siren is over with. But the fucking, I don't give a fuck between the middle of the two is like, dude, this is life. This is what it's like. This is what recording a podcast in the middle of LA is like. There's lots of fucking sounds in LA. I'm thankful that there's no helicopters floating over my head because they like to do that sometimes. Sometimes they'll just be hovering in place for like 15 minutes. And I like that, though, because for me, that gave me the opportunity to be pissed off at it long enough that I got to finish being pissed off and I actually got curious about it and I noticed that it was sitting in the same place, so I actually went outside and I have a super zoom phone and I was like, dude, how fucking close can I get on this helicopter right now? And I started up a new little thing that I like to do now as I like to try and get pictures of helicopters as they're flying over. And sometimes they're taking pictures too, and they take pictures of me taking pictures and I'm taking a picture of them taking a picture of me and it's so fucking awesome. And they sometimes I've seen them through the little, um, I can't see them with my eyes because they're so far away. But through the little camera on the phone, they're waved to me because they know that I can see them because they're like, oh, he's got one of them phones. It's a nice little like exchange of energy that started off by being super pissed off by their existence, but they stayed around long enough for me to be like comfortable with them enough to be like, hey, let me take a picture. And, oh, that's a sheriff's helicopter. That's a Fox News helicopter. That's a fucking unpainted, unbranded helicopter. That's probably just a, you know, a tour helicopter or whatever. You know, I got to be able to do these kinds of things. And then I was like, hey, can I get airplanes? No. Airplanes are like substantially more difficult to catch than helicopters. I think airplanes are traveling faster than helicopters. Yeah, that must be it. But, um that's kind of where I am now with this podcast where I'm like, dude, it's kind of pissing me off a little bit. So now that I've sat with it long enough, that extra three months where I like wanted to quit, but I just kept going. That's where I was like super pissed off, like the most out of all all of the episodes It was like the last three months. I was like, fuck, dude, I have to get this shit done. I want to take a break, but I want to just keep going. And now that I'm like finally relieved of being pissed off, I'm finally sat with it long enough to finish being pissed off and come back around to loving it again. I want to see what I come up with. So I'm also going to like be recording stuff and doing stuff, but uh that's why I said I don't know how long the break is is going to last. Maybe I'll load something like next week just because, you know, finally I relieved the pressure. So I saw that very obvious thing that everybody else has been seeing this whole time that I haven't been seeing. And I'll do that thing. And I'll be like, oh, cool. But yeah, I'm not going to be sticking to the weekly for a while. I'm going to just be doing me, doing me just like I said in last week's episode, just do it. I'm just going to be do me for me. And I used to do that kind of callback thing a lot to like, I used to call back to the first few episodes of like structure and content all the way into like the 15th episode. And I stopped doing that stuff because, like I said, my brain has gone so jumbled that I can't really separate out the beginning from the middle from the end, which is cool sometimes, like, if I'm rambling and a ramble reminds me of an episode, I can just plug it right there. But it also sucks because if I want to think of something specific to try and build something else, there's a struggle there because I don't I'm not remembering it and I want to do something very specific. So I have to stop with the specifics for a while and just start freeballing it, just just start fucking going commando, start fucking doing all kinds of things and just loosening up my mind to stop being so stringent about being consistent about this one thing. because I've proven it to myself. Here we are. We're at the I've said it like three or four times during this one podcast. But I finally, I've done it. I've shown to myself that, okay, you don't really, like need to base your ability to do something based off of others' availability to help you do it. You can just do shit. And now that I have that new found, like, independence, I'm going to start seeing what I do with it.. And I think I'm gonna express that independence by ending this episode super early. That'll be my fucking birthday gift to me. It's just a quick little like 20 minute episode for you guys. But it'd be a fun, nice, quick editing, very easy editing, very I'm still stumped on the description. I usually will listen to it and I'll come up with the description while I'm editing it. I try to keep my description different from what I'm saying, but sometimes like I'll write the description and the description ended up being like the intro that I used when I recorded it and then I have to go back and write the description again. So I just try to not write descriptions. I don't know, though. Is that like, do you want the description to be something that I've said already or do you want the description to be something new that describes the entire episode in its entirety? I vote for the second one. Um, but you can vote for the former. Did I use that right? That's why I prevented myself from saying "latter" because I wasn't sure. So I said second. I think ladder is the second option in former is the first option, but, um. Yeah, I I'm gonna do call this week. So keep it easy out there, you guys, while I'm away. And be.