Adam Has a Podcast Episode 5; Healing

*intro* I was having a pretty tough day today. And I record these out of order and I don't post them in order or on the day that I'm talking about. So you have no idea what day, or when, or how, where, why, who, what I'm talking about. But nonetheless, I was having a pretty difficult day today. I woke up, and it just felt like things weren't going my way. And so I saw how things weren't going my way, and I said, "I'm not gonna let it bother me." I woke up by, like, 10, and then, I stayed in bed. I just kind of rolled around, and I was like, I just I just want to be in bed today. I don't do anything. I'm just gonna stay here and sleep. I'm so tired. I don't want to do anything. And I just stay in bed all day. bed rotting, as the kids call it. And one of the things I love about summer is that you can stay in bed all day, and then right around 5 o'clock, you look outside and the sun's still up, and you're like, dude, what am I doing? If you're lucky, you get that moment where you're like, dude, what am I doing? right now? It's beautiful out. It's so sunny. It's whatever, you know? I need to go out and do something. That's why I love the summer. You get those, like, four or, you know, five extra hours.. You have some sunlight where you normally wouldn't have it, and you can go and do something. You feel a little bit more motivated, because in the wintertime, by five o'clock, it's dark, I'm like, well, I don't feel like going out and doing anything. It's dark. But in the summer, I'm like, "W, I have to do something. Come on, I got all this extra sun. Like, let me go do something. So today, I decided, let's go to the beach and skateateboard because that always brings me some level of peace. and it was, it was hard getting myself out of the house. It was just really difficult. I always get really nervous before I go to the beach, but it's just like my body preparing to pump a lot of blood, because, like, my body knows, like, oh, going to the beach, that's gonna be, you know, you know, you're working out, it knows. Because I've done it so much at this point that it's like, it um preemptively there's a good word, preemptively prepares my circulatory system to go work out at the beach. So I get really nervous, and sometimes I forget that's why I get nervous, and today was one of those days and I just couldn't really see through it, but it got to be like 5:30 and I was just like laying there, just like, no more TV, no more phone, and I was just like relenting. And I was like, screw this! I'm going. And I went to the beach, and I parked, and this dude parked like right next to me and he got out of his car, and I wasn't my car smoking. But then, he got on his bike and he biked away. And I waited a few minutes to let him get away, and then I hopped on my skateboard and started going towards the beach. And then I caught up with him at a light, and at this light, there were two other people getting out of the cars, and one dude was wearing a shirt that I used to own, so I was like, "Oh, man, I like your shirt." And then I realized to myself, "Ah, I never compliment women all the time. She's really a really nice outfit, so I'm going to say, there you go. You have a really nice outfit. I get scared complimenting women nowadays 'cause I'm like, is this good, bad? Am I allowed to do this? That's a personal agency thing in society trying to destroy that. Anyways, I'm going to move away from that. I don't know if they said anything. I had headphones in, so I just went, have a good day. And then I was next to that dude who parked next to me and I was like, great day for a ride today, right? Kept his mouth shut. And I was like, all right, whatever. And then light turn green, I cross the street, I go a separate direction from him. I take the long route, so he will have time to go in front of me so I don't have to deal with him again, because clearly he's not a chatty type. And I'm skating up and we meet paths again. and I'm like, oh, I took this long path on purpose, and then you took a slow time on your quick path., and we were like skating right next to. I was skating, he was biking right next to each other for a few minutes. And I was I was beating him, and then every time I beat him, he would speed up more, and I was like, oh, dude, I'm not doing this. I'm not fighting with this old man right now, fucking measuring dicks, trying to be like, oh, you can you. I didn't go to the beach for that purpose. I went to the beach to try and relax because I was way too inside of my head. I was way too out of it. I needed to relax and I needed to just enjoy my time. And this dude got me like running a million miles a minute. I'm like, no, it's not where I'm here. I squatted on the board, slow it right down. That's my favorite thing to do. I like to squat while I'm skating, get nice and low. Booty level. Not always booty level, because I get nice and low and I stretch out my legs, because sometimes my feet cramp up on skating, and it's also like a really nice, like it feels good on my core. So I like to get down to the ground, and then I can, like, steer really well. and, you know, I was just weaving around. and it was fun. and then I just kept skating. I kept trying to get my energy out. There was like little situations where I was like, I go to speed up now. And I you know, was like tired afterwards. And today, I paramounted, taking lots of breaks. I was like, I'm just gonna take a break every time I'm tired. I'm not going to force myself to keep going through the pain and tiredness. I'm just going to take a break. And this one time I like sat on a wall and I fell over funny, and I was like,gh, nobody saw that. And I was like, "Wait a minute. This is one of those days where like, it was just like, I'm I don't need outward validation. I need to validate myself. I'm out here for myself. I'm not out here for these other people. So then I got up and I kept skating and I got real tired, and there's this one bench where I call it like my rest bench. It just burt crazy loud, had to pause it, not going to do that to you guys yet. Yet, maybe later. But, yeah, I got to the beach and I got to my sitting bench and I was waiting there. and I had a really bad asthma attack, and I was like coughing and gagging, and I was trying to catch my breath, and I was just like trying to relax and trying to like, get my body to stop trying to fucking like, attack itself. I got the sniffles. Because I was skateboarding at the beach, some reason, every time I do a lot of physical activity, I get the sniffles. But I was sitting there trying to relax, and I was watching these dudes putting stuff into the car from like a volleyball tournament or something. This one dude kept like mapping on pretty girls that walked by. I had a feeling he was like, yo, kid, this is how you do it. To me. And I was like, yeah, whatever. I'm just sitting here to relax. And I just zoned out. I hit the zone, dude. And I was like, "Wa, other people's opinions don't matter. Nothing else matters besides just looking at these rolling waves right now. It's just like, I hit that that piece zone where I was like outside of the universe and I was like detached from all outcomes. I was just watching shit going on. Shit was just happening in front of me. I just, I wasn't I wasn't even partaking in it though. And then I was like, all right, it's time to get up and go." And when I got up to go, the dudes were like, "Oh, man, see you later. Have a chill day." And I was like,, "Oh, what? It like, threw me for a loop because I was like, I didn't even interact with these dudes. Yet they were the ones to interact with me now, kind of made up for that guy earlier. And I was like, oh, wow. you know, I was right to not let that that guy give me a bad attitude because it really is just that guy's bad attitude. And I'm not going to carry that around. I'm going to be nice as I can be and just try and have a good day. 'cause I like being sweet and kind and nice. That was my thing with comedy. Comedy. I got too mean. I wasn't messing around with it. I didn't like how they were like, you going to be a real ruthless, mean person. No. I can make people laugh and be kind at the same time. I'm really good at being cruel, which is why it isn't fun. Do you get that kind comedy is more fun for me because it actually takes a little bit of effort. It actually takes me trying to think about things deeply and put my best foot forward. Whereas mean comedy, that's just that's me taking a shit. It's so easy. It's so unthinkable for me that it's just like, I don't want to do mean comedy. That's not my thing. It doesn't make me feel good. I can do it because I needed to do it and I got real good at it because I thought I would need it in the future. But now I'm in a future where I'm realizing, no, I don't need it. And all that kind of healing I've been trying to do and all that stuff like added up, and I was in the zone again, and I was skating. And I didn't have any thoughts, just listening to music, like jamming out, having a great time. And then the thought came in. healing is one of the most courageous and difficult things that you can do. I was like, that's heat. I I used that little energy that boosted me. I skated a little bit faster. And I was like, "Wait, hold on. Enjoy the world around you." I slowed down a little bit. Whenever I skate, I try to smile at everything, because I notice sometimes I'll smile and then somebody will try and take that, like take the smile away, is what I say. They'll just do something odd or they'll do something a little bit mean, and they'll try to make my smile go away. And my favorite thing to do that I learned from like going to the beach and skating and just like worrying by these people, whizzing by these people, my favorite thing to do is to just not let them take my smile away, because for some reason, my smile gets bigger and their frown also gets frownier. And I just really love it. So I'm gonna smile as much as I can. I know noticed that sometimes when I was really pushing myself really hard that I would be making this really, you know, angry face and I'm working out, I'm doing the tough man stuff. And I realized, like a while ago, I was like, "Dude, you are solidifying the anger pathway in your head just by making an angry face. Make a smiley face. This is a fun thing that you're doing. You're not angry right now. You're smiley. Be happy that you're out here. Appreciate this." I started trying to make myself smile more and more and more and more. And I noticed over time that that made other people smile. And I started noticing all these other different kinds of situations where like, whoa, that girl looked at me like, what? Just because I was smiling? And then she smiled back and she doesn't even know that I'm just trying to smile as like a practice. It's really awesome. And then you get things that come out, like butterflies will always cut me off. And I love it because I get to notice it and I'm smiling and I'm happy and I'm already in that like, mind state of like half happiness and like, like love and freedom. So I'm already like kind of looking for these things. And then, you know, the butterfly just flies right up in my face and it's like, well, you're looking for something to make you smile. Here's this. There's this one spot where butterflies like always like, follow me and like fly while I'm skating and stuff. And I think it's because a while ago, I took to a habit of every time I saw a caterpillar crossing the sidewalk, I would stop, pick it up, and I would bring it help it across the road. Because I figured, you know, everybody's skating, running by, you know, bicycle, and these caterpillars are not in a safe spot. I gotta, you know, use my power that I can use right now that's in my hands and just help out these little caterpillars that don't even know, like, why I'm helping them or anything, just helping them to help them because they deserve help for the position that they're in. And now every time I go to this beach, I see butterflies all the time, and they, like, follow me and stuff. It's just like, whoa. And I remember reading something a while ago. They that said, um, caterpillars actually remember their memories when they turn into butterflies. So I like telling myself a little like, myth sometimes that, like, the caterpillars and the butterflies are going around talking about this guy that will like pick you up into the sky and carry you to like a plentiful bush to eat until you turn into a butterfly or something. I don't know, I just like, it makes me super, you't you can't see, I'm smiling real big thinking about that right now. It just brings me so much inner joy. I've been trying to cultivate these different kinds of things over time, just to like help make myself see the light again. And it's been working out really, really good. So when today, when I was skating and I had that thought that healing is one of the most courageous and difficult things that you can do for yourself, I was like,Wa. I'm doing it. I'm doing it right now. I didn't lay in bed. I'm out here right now, I'm smiling, I'm skateboarding. I didn't do the negative thing that I already set myself to doing today. I got up, I went out, and I actually put my best foot forward again. And it just felt really good. And I didn't even think about that guy who said who didn't say hi or whatever. I think there was another one, but I'm like in such a good mood right now that I can't really think about it. And that's the power of a good mood. It's like I saw so many other great things that the one or two little couple things didn't really matter. I gave so many people smiles today that those, you know, one or two people that didn't get to smile and I I'm not really thinking I can't really think about them because there's so many other great experiences going on. that's how I've been trying to rewire my brain for a while, because I knew I could do it. And I was working towards it, and I knew it was possible. I always knew it was possible ever since I was like little. I was like looking at other people and how they were acting, I was like, "You don't need to act this way. For some reason, for me, it was super clear to other people, it got real wrapped up in the like sorrow and the problems and the things like that. And for me, sometimes I can I you know, let myself rest and stuff like that, but I can see when I'm starting to get wrapped up, and then I go, "Well, I'm gonna go take a ride to the beach. Even though my brakes are making noise, whatever, I need this today for me to go on a little adventure, have a good day for myself. And then I start thinking, well, maybe I should start going on adventures in wilderness and stuff like that, because you know, the beach is great. You see a lot of people, but sometimes I don't want that. I want to decompress. I want to just be alone. So where do I go for moments like that? And today wasn't really one of those moments, but it was kind of one of those moments. And then it took like that guy not saying hi for me to realize, like, oh, this is like one of those days where I kind of wanted attention. And then it took those guys saying hi, unprompted for me to be like, "Oh, all I have to do is just accept it, to just be in the moment and be where I am and just stop thinking about all that other stuff. Oh, I remember there were these two guys who had skateboards and they were at the end of the beach and then one beach ends and then it goes and into another beach and there's like a little wall that you can sit on. So I like sitting on that wall and relaxing and I took out a headphone and I said, hi, because they're skateboarders. But then they started having a huge downer conversation and I was like, ugh, I thought maybe I would interject. But I was like, oof, this is, I don't want to be a part of this. And then there was like a husband and a wife and like another husband and wife who were traveling, like visiting the area. And they were taking pictures and like the husband was like, yeah, this isn't crazy taking pictures in front of a random lady's house at all. And then the wife harked back. She was like, yeah, well, all the pictures probably suck anyways. And I just busted out laughing because they were like, like, even though they were saying kind of mean shit, their energy towards each other was like immaculate. It was like, whoa, you guys have such a good little, like, um, what is it called? rapport between each other. That brought me like a lot of joy. But then to listen to those two guys on the other side, just talking about just like absolute, like, like the most negative stuff. It wasn't the most negative stuff, but they were using a lot of negative keywords where I was like, yo, they' having like one of those shit hash and fests and I don't really want to be a part of it. And then they were like, well, you know, we gave him the opportunity and he's just being weird about it sitting there. I was like, yeah, I'm out of here. Got on my skateboard. And then I saw, as soon as I made the decision to be like, well, I'm not going to just talk to these people because I'm lonelyely. Like, I'm not going to just like talk to a negative person because I'm lonely. I'm not going to expose myself to that negativity. And as soon as I kind of made that thought and got up, I saw that dude who I saw at the beginning of the ride, who didn't say hi, who parked next to me. And he was heading back, and I was like, whoa, this is him. This is him taking back his energy now. You know? I'm at that moment where I'm like, I don't want to talk to these negative people. And that dude saw me getting high in my car, so maybe he was like, I don't want to talk to this fucking stoner right now. I just like came to the beach to bike. Maybe he was on the same wave as me, but I was more so on a wave of like, I need to figure this out where he was like, I've already figured this out. I don't want to fucking talk. I'm just here to bike. I was like, am I here to am I here to skateboard or am I here to like run into something? Am I here to just have fun and relax and enjoy? And that's what I was here for. And it took like me, you know, running into that guy for me to realize, whoa, we have different purposes for being here right now. And then once I saw him like, we cross paths again, I was like, oh, now I think about you a little bit more positively now, because I saw like a true negativity. And I was like, "Oh, there you go. You took that energy back a little bit. And then I kept skating and I kept skating And there was just like a couple other moments where I had those, like, is this gonna take your happiness away? Is this gonna take your peace away kind of moments? And I just said, you know what, whatever. It doesn't matter. I put my best foot forward, and that's all that matters to me. And I try my best. But then, later on my way home, there was a lady who got caught stealing at the supermarket and it was a hole to do and I was like picking out food and I heard it going on and I was like, the store was empty, so I was like, oh my God, there's like some kind of tragedy happening right now. I got to get the fuck out of here. Because I just heard screaming. And I was like, I'm getting the fuck out of of here. And I went to the checkout area and everybody was like, normal up there. I started seeing more people as I went to the checkout area and everybody was kind of normal, and they were all looking at like this lady who was fighting with the security up front. And I guess, I don't know, she might steal from there a lot or something. I don't know the whole situation going on. but it made me really upset. And I was like, man, I don't know what I could do to help in this situation. And I walked out the door. They were right in the front of the door, and there was like this dude that I always see there who I think he's like a cashier or something. and I was like, "Can I go out this way? He thought I was going for a fist bump. And I was like, "No. I'm not fist bumping you guys over this." And I was like, "Stay safe tonight, you know, take care of yourselves." And I walked away, and then I got to the car and I was just like, so distraught and upset. And I realized, oh, I just experienced something that I need to heal from now. Healing is an an all time job. Just because I healed once doesn't mean I'm going to stay healed forever. There's going to be things that happen that are out of my control that I can't fix. And I'm just going to have to learn to live with that. And it made me really, really upset. And I kind of cried in the car for a little bit on the ride home. But then I remembered, I was like, oh, cool. Billie Eilish just came came out with a great song to cry to. and I slapped on Blue. And it made me feel a little bit better, but it also made me feel a little bit worse in a way. better because I was like, I'm getting it out, but worse because, like, I still feel like, like, more could have been done there. But there wasn't much that I could do. They were talking about, like, you've been doing this for weeks, you assaulted me, blah. They were there was like a posse, like jumping on this lady. Like she's been terrorizing them for weeks, the workers. And it was like the workers were like, wee can't deal with this anymore because you're terrorizing us. And they were like calling the cops and stuff. So I was like, I can't really stand up for anybody here because on one side, you know, she's doing wrong and on the other side, they're doing wrong. And they called the cops to handle it. Like, I can't deal with that. So then I needed to heal from like, just being exposed to that scenario and that kind of energy. And I needed to let that energy back go again. But it really did make me upset and wish that like, man, we live in such a strange world where things can happen all the time around you. And especially where today was like one of those days where it felt like things just kept coming up to upset me. It's just very odd, but I'm not gonna let it get me. I'm not gonna let it take me down or change my view. I chose to view the world in this way because it makes me me feel better to view the world in a certain way. And I'm going to keep trying to focus on certain things rather than the things that are trying to be shoved down my throat, because I don't want to focus on those things right now. Those are more of those problems that other people have that I'm looking at, and I'm saying, how are you guys not seeing this?" The answer is so easy. And I should have been saying that all along, but instead, I let a little piece of me chip off here and I changed a little there. And I ended up going through a bunch of experiences without healing myself because I need to go through these experiences and it will make me stronger. They't really necessarily make me stronger. until I healed from them. You see that? They made me stronger in the end when I healed from them. But I had to learn how to heal from them. And when I was still, you know, unhealed from them, I It was very reactive. I didn't have a good time. And I wasn't enjoying things. And it was because I had a bunch of problems that needed to be faced and healed. And I wasn't registering that because I thought these problems were making me stronger, but they weren't. They were just actively holding me me back. And it really didn't feel like I was doing much at first. That's the thing about healing. It's like day by day nothing really outwardly changes, but over time, you look back and you're like, "Wa. I did that. Like, I got through all of that. Like, I did it. And this isn't, like an opportunity for more fucked up shit to happen, you know, like, I know how to heal now. No, I don't want to keep going through these things. But now that I'm learning how to heal myself, maybe the world will also learn how to heal itself. And that way that like as above, so below, and where your inner world reflects your outer world, it already seemed to happen because somebody online was like, cancel cultures, over over in comedy. And I was like, "W, I tried to heal myself, and I went into a whole, you know, two year long training arc trying to heal myself. and then now I'm coming out of it at the other side. And look, cancel culture like comedy healed itself, nature was returning. And I think that's kind of where I want to end the podcast today. If you are going through a hard time and you're trying day by day, you don't things are working, just keep sticking to it. Keep going. You will find a way. It's if you keep trying and you keep going, success is only a matter of time if you keep putting in the effort day by day by day by day it's almost like a guarantee that eventually someday in the future, you will be successful. don't give up.. I remember I was in the doctors a while ago. And it was like a first time checkup, and she was like, "W, you have any psychological problems." I was like, "Oh, well, you know, sometimes I don't want to be here." And she was like, "Well," And she was like a whole thing." And I went, "Wa, whoa, wait. I've not wanted to be here for so long that it was such a constant feeling that I know that the feeling will go away. And I know that it's only temporary. I know that all all things are temporary now. I had to explain that to her that all things are temporary. I will get through this. And it's kind of funny, like telling your doctor, like, yeah, I already know that I'm going to make my way through it. I've been through this tunnel, fucking, how old am I, 24 times 365 I've been through this, like a bunch. And I don't want to tell you, like a lie, like, oh, it just goes away after a while. But after a while, you just, you forget about it.get, you forget. And then sometimes a lot of time passes and you go, oh, whoa, a lot of time has passed since I had that thought. And then sometimes. you're right in the middle of the storm, you're right in the thick of it, and you're like, why can't these thoughts go away? I had all that peace a while ago, you feel like everything's hitting you all at once. But that's just like the universe showing you like, oh, dude, you have learned how to heal these things over and over and over again. Here you go. You can either look at it negatively or you can look at it positively. And today, I was looking at like my isolation as a little bit negative, but in a way, my isolation is a negative, but can be a positive. I isolate myself from those people that were talking super negatively, but then I positively interacted with some random people, as soon as I like opened up my heart a little bit. And I really like that bench, because I always have like weird little scenarios that go by on that little bench. Like the other day, some girl dropped her sweater, and I was like, "You dropped her sweater." And then she, I caught up and I was scampering over to pick it up, and she was pretending not to look at me scampering because I was scampering goofily because I knew she was looking, but then she looked away. And it turned into one of those things where it was like, ah, missed a joke. Here you go. It's a fun little bench. But, you know, you won't find your fun little bench until you go out there and you sit at one bench, you know, every day for a while. And last summer, I went skateboarding almost like every single day because I just like needed to get out of my head, and I loved. being here and I wanted to just be there on the beach skateboarding every day. And this year, I kind of took a real long break from skateboarding. And that's the same way that I kind of like took a real long break from comedy and I took a real long break from podcasting. It doesn't mean that I don't love these things. It just means that other things are more important at the time. And now, when I do have the time, I get to experience these things that I love again, and I get to know that I truly love them. And now that I know that I truly love these things, I can try and make more time for them, and I can try and make it, you know, the way that I spend my time. And that's what you got to do too, if you're going through a hard time. You gotta to find different outlets to be able to try and spend your time. So that when you do have a hard time, you can go, well, I need to distract myself now. Let me go paint or let me go draw and let me go do this or that. And it helps you from just sitting there bed rotting, doing nothing, just focusing on like, oh, I'm doing nothing. Well, you know what? Even just like, cooking yourself a meal is doing something. Just do something. And you'll realize day after day, time after time, the more that you just do something, the less that you're in your head suffering. And then over time, over time that you're just doing something and you're finding things that you love